facing the past
C’s Blog 4
Facing the Past
E recommended I look at some of my old journals to chart my progress and find what I want to let go of from the past. Reading through the journals from last year and the year before, I am astounded how deeply I was in denial and how the addiction had a stranglehold on me. The person who wrote those journal entries, I realize now, had no idea that he was worthy of being loved and cared about, and went under the assumption that no decent woman would want him. Of course, E changed all that, one of the many, many things I truly love about her. It is hard for me to believe I was in such a low place last year, that my life had become so unmanageable,that at one point I was so broke from acting out I was homeless, when today by comparison things are going so well. I see the addiction, or Gollum, in those journal entries, and it is scary to think how unaware I was at the time.
God blesses. Always. If I continue to stay true to my Higher Power and the rules for living a loving life that he has given me, I believe I will continue to be blessed. If not, I have only to remember the journal entries, which I've since destroyed, to know what negative consequences wait for me should I stray from the path.
E’s Blog 4
C and I discussed what we would write about this week and decided it would be about leaving the past in the past. I have started to write this several times and I keep coming to the conclusion that although I believe it is important to let the past go and live in the present, I simply am not there yet. The things in our past that cause pain in the present have not been far enough in the past for me to not still feel the impact of them in a way that often hits me in waves of emotion that take my breath away. I wish that I could trust in today, trust in the future, without having to let the past in there, but the past is a part of the equation and for me, the recent past has to hold no betrayals, has to be filled with transparency, honesty, respect, connection…C and I are taking a trip for Easter weekend. We are going to a place where C is from and where C and I met many years ago. This place holds some wonderful memories for us, but also some very painful memories. We are effectively revisiting the past when we go here and it is overwhelming and terrifying for me. I am concerned that C’s past will trigger him and that my feelings about that past will trigger me. I am concerned that we will not be able to emotionally survive this trip.
I know that C loves me. I know that I love C. What I don’t know how to do is to love C without his love having to be the same as mine. I look at some of the past behaviors and I know that C did not love himself. He couldn't have. The amount of pain that he was in because of his behaviors (this was before we were together) was a pain I can relate to. A pain so deep that your very life did not seem worth living. That he can love me the way that he does is a miracle. He tells me he loves me all the time. He holds my hand, in public and in private. He is demonstrative of his love for me in public and in private. We have a beautiful intimate life together. He writes me beautiful poetry, prays with me, reads uplifting literature with me. We take walks together, share our lives together. We talk for hours about anything and everything. He is my best friend, my lover, my companion, my soul mate. All of that is true. Simple truth.
So my question to myself this week is why, with all of the beautiful things we have together, does the pain of the addiction seem to loom so large? Why am I unable to trust in the present and just love C? I believe I partially know the answer to those questions. I need to trust that the betrayals are over, that C truly is done with HIS past and in order for that to happen, I must have the time to heal without new traumas being introduced. I have to not only see, but feel that C is trustworthy, that my heart is safe with him. This will take time. Time filled with new memories, time filled with healing behaviors and time filled with the past getting further and further away. Our Easter trip will be a turning point for our relationship. I don’t know what kind of turning point it will be, but I am praying it is the healing kind.