C’s Blog 2
Today I’m going to talk a little bit about respecting partners’ wishes and allowing them to determine their own path of healing and growth. Earlier this week, at a couples’ meeting, E was shocked and dismayed to learn that a couple who have been in recovery a long time, see slips and relapses as inevitable, even though the addict has been sober over two years. I thought this was an unhelpful share, at the very least, but E was really affected by it. The next day, she was feeling overwhelmed and said she wasn't sure she wanted to go to any more support groups, or even therapy. I reacted calmly. True, I was disappointed and saddened that she was thinking of not taking advantage of the resources available, and I thought it would be harder to work through our problems, but I respected her right to make her own decisions. The next day she decided not to stop her recovery activities, and I was glad to hear it, but would have supported her regardless of what resources she did or did not take advantage of.
Just as the addict has his/her own journey to growth and healing, so does the co-addict. E’s recovery is her own, to grow in whatever way she feels best supports her. My role here is to be her cheerleader, her support, and show her love and caring and not to place restrictions or ultimatums. I trust that she will find her own way to healing, and I give my thoughts, but the decisions are hers. I am glad, though, that she continues to get help from these resources.
E’s Blog 2
This past week has been extremely difficult. Maybe it was the full moon, whatever it was, it was rough. As C wrote above, I considered ending recovery. It is sometimes a delicate balance figuring out what is helpful recovery and what is triggering and painful for no good reason. Recovery can be painful and that is okay as long as it leads to sanity and better abilities to deal with life. I am still trying to figure out the balance and this week I could not find it. C has not had any slips or acting out. He had done nothing wrong this week, but I kept feeling as if all the pain of the addiction were happening right now in the moment, not in the past where it should be.
C was supportive of the process I was going through with deciding whether to stay in recovery or not. That was very helpful as I did not feel pressured to make the “right” choice. I realized I was allowing other people’s recoveries to effect mine in a negative way. C and I both believe that it is possible to have the sex addict recover to the point that there are never any slips, never any acting out. I did not need to look at what another couple felt was possible when I could look at C and I. It is our journey and only we can determine its truth.
