though week

C’s Blog 8

Very tough weekend, this last one. E has expressed that she wants me to help her heal by answering questions, and series of questions, honestly. I believe we have grown closer in recent days, but still many times find myself in an emotional drift, not knowing what to do from one day to the next. I will answer her questions, and try my best to be open and supportive of her as possible.

E and I just keep taking on more and more stress, it seems. Today we got the equipment for the internet and cable TV at my house, and E got overwhelmed. It seems she’s been stuffing her feelings around seeing women out in public again and the thought of me with cable and internet in the house was too much. I’m working at being more aware in public whether I’m being triggered or not, and how to deal with E when I am. She has the hardest time accepting that part of the addiction, that she feels I am staring at other women. Sometimes I am, though I am getting a lot better in that department. My best option is to work my program every day and to get closer to God in prayer and in being of service to others. And sharing more of my feelings with E sooner.

E’s Blog 8

I want to write a blog that is hopeful and uplifting, but I feel I have to be real too. A relationship with a sex addict is not easy. It is taxing emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and I’m sure in other areas I am too exhausted to think of at the moment. I love C and I want to be with C. This simple truth is all that I can hold onto right now. I know that C has many wonderful qualities. Many amazing attributes that drew me to him in the first place. Before I knew he was a sex addict, I was drawn to him. After finding out he was a sex addict, I didn’t allow myself to fully feel the ramifications of that, because I wanted to be with him. I wanted to focus on all of those amazing and wonderful things that made me want to be with him. That’s the tricky part about suppressing something or going into denial. It is still there. Watching and waiting for when you gain a little strength and then it demands to be heard.

This is where I find myself right now. The suppressed pain, the denial of how much pain the addiction had caused me is now demanding I deal with it. I am in recovery for being a partner of a sex addict. I am in couples therapy. I am in a women’s group where we focus on learning about shame. I am getting stronger and learning how to have a voice. How to ask for what I need. This has proved somewhat problematic for C. He now has to face some of the pain he caused me. He now has to make some choices of his own. Does he face his own stuff in order to give me what I need or does he tell me he can’t give me what I need and put the choice back in my control. I am past the point of being able to suppress my pain. It is here and it is not going anywhere until it has been heard and until it feels that it is understood, loved and now in a safe place. Can C understand that if I ask a question and he answers it, there may be more questions to follow? Can C understand that any resistance to answering questions or follow-up questions makes me feel unsafe? Each day that passes by without me fully being able to connect with C about my pain feels like I am being re-traumatized. He will either understand that he is going to have to meet me there and help guide me out of that darkness or he won’t and I will guide myself out. How we are as a couple after that is largely going to be affected by how much I can believe and see that C can be there for me, even when he is the cause of my pain.

I don’t know if C will be able to give me what I need. I found out some things about the SA and SAA programs this week that made me as the co-addict feel very distrustful of them. I can’t seem to understand how a program can ask for the addicts to be rigorously honest, but then also be okay with them not sharing everything about their addiction with their partner or spouse. I don’t understand how they can have the addict give a full disclosure to their partner and then after that say not to disclose unless it is something major. The whole thing makes me feel unsafe and like the programs are in some way enabling the addict to continue to mess up. I will need to further explore my feelings about this, hopefully with C giving me the insider knowledge. So I am where I always seem to be. In love with C and wanting to be healthy. Can these things co-exist?

hiatus end

C’s Blog 6

After a two-week hiatus, E and I begin the blog again. E and I did go to my hometown last week, and for the most part the trip went well. At least, until I went to an SAA meeting in my hometown and I was emotionally choked up afterwards. We hugged in the hallway of the church. She knew I missed my friends in recovery there, knew that a part of me wanted to live back in my hometown. She did something very brave. The day we were to leave to go back to our home, she said if I wanted to stay in my hometown I could. She would understand. For her to do that showed me just how deeply she loves me. And I appreciate just how much courage that took. E is a very courageous woman. Of course, without her, my living back in the hometown would be pointless. It would be too painful to be without her. So I realized that where ever she is, there also is where I call home. I miss my family and my friends, but without E, I would not be happy or healthy. She is truly my love. So here I am back at home, at our “Lily Pad” as we call the beautiful home we rent close by the mountains. The natural beauty here is quite amazing, and healing.

Speaking of healing, E and I watched an amazing DVD put out by Doug Weiss called “Helping Her Heal” which is directed at addicts in relationships. It is a very difficult DVD for me to watch as an addict, because it goes into great detail as far as the damage I have done and the hurt I have caused E. It is helpful, I think, in that he gives some tools and advice in being supportive of the co-addict and helping her to heal from the pain the addict has caused. I would highly recommend this DVD and would recommend multiple viewings as E and I are planning on doing. A very powerful tool for recovery!

As I mentioned in the last blog, I have a heart condition and E has been very understanding and supportive through the process. This Wednesday (the 18th) I have an ablation treatment and one of the best cardiac doctors in the country is doing it and I feel like I am in good hands. Still I am praying and asking for prayers for Wednesday and trying to set up a therapist appointment for me and E beforehand. Please wish me well!

E’s Blog 6

C and I returned to his hometown and to the place we first met and fell in love. It was a trip we had prepared for with therapy sessions and with many conversations of what we could do to make sure we both stayed healthy while we were there. For me, I was worried about being triggered by all of the places that C may have acted out and by just being in a place where a lot of the pain C had caused me had taken place. He was worried about being triggered by the same things. We both wanted to have a fun trip meeting with friends and family. All of the meetings with friends and family went very well. They were fun and we were able to relax and enjoy ourselves. C is having a major medical procedure soon and that was weighing heavily on both of us and I believe our fears over this were responsible for when the trip went a different direction. I had been triggered off and on, but each time I was, C was in a bad place and so I would not share. I continued to do this. On Sunday we were supposed to go to church together before having Easter dinner with his parents. It was one of only a couple of things I had asked to do on the trip. When it was time to go, C was not feeling well and we ended up resting in the hotel instead. I was disappointed but also understood. Monday we were driving to another city to see friends and would be driving past the city where my grandfather is buried. I had asked if we could stop and pay our respects. C had agreed, but when we could not immediately find the cemetery he got impatient and we ended up not doing that either. At this point, after stuffing my triggers, after doing everything C had wanted to do and nothing that I had wanted to do, I just shut down. I was feeling taken for granted and very distant from C. I was wondering if he was so triggered that he could not even see how selfish he was being. Instead of talking about it, because C was so stressed out, I just shut down.

We went to lunch with his friend and then on the way back to our hotel we decided to go to a tourist city that I love. It turned out to be the final straw for me being able to cope. I was staggeringly triggered in this city and could not share it with C. When I tried to share he discounted my feelings and I ended up saying things that I meant, but that could have been said in a nicer way. In the evening we attended one of his SAA meetings where many of his friends were also. He broke down afterwards and I tried to comfort him, but he was not in a place where that was possible. He was lost to me at this point. It was a very long night and in the morning we were supposed to fly back home. As we drove around finishing last-minute things, C was continuing to romanticize his hometown. I told him that if he needed to be there that I would understand. If it was what he wanted, I would not try to stop him. I love him and I want him to be happy. I reminded him that he is not a hostage where we live now. He took his time thinking that over. (I would have been devastated if he would have chosen to stay). He had a turning point after that. A realization that where we live is home and was able to understand the saying, “You can’t go home again”. It was a bittersweet ending to a trip that did have some really wonderful memories. We did take time to have dinner in the same shopping center where we met over 20 years ago. We shared some tender words and kisses where we used to “park” on our dates in the early 90's.

Before, during and after the trip we watched a DVD titled, Helping Her Heal. This is a wonderful and painful DVD to watch, but I highly recommend it. It goes into detail about what the partner of a sex addict feels when they act on their addiction. It helps the addict to really own the pain they have caused and gives tools to the addict on how they can help their partner heal. It is a lot to absorb and we are going to watch it over again until we feel like we have understood it all. I would recommend watching it in segments and not all at once. If the addict can hear what is being said in this DVD I believe the healing process will be less painful for both people in the relationship.

An end note to our trip was that I was triggered way more than C and his triggers were around things that were not part of his sex addiction. He was triggered with wanting to smoke, but he was able to work through the triggers and not give in. C felt he was in a protective bubble while we were there and his sex addiction was not a problem. On the other hand, I was feeling the trauma and pain of his past addictive behaviors and would have really loved that bubble to have extended over me! I am grateful to be back home with C and to once again be moving forward with our lives together.

on the road of recovery

C’s Blog 3

It has been a rough week for E and I (since the past post), and I don’t know quite how to start this blog. I have had two slips in the last week with my phone. I was not taking care of myself and my recovery and ended up doing some picture searches on certain actresses. Of course, I told E and she spiraled into a real negative space and it was so tough on both of us as I caused her pain with this behavior, and seeing her in pain causes me pain. The second time she found I had searched images of another actress, this time clothed. For her this is just as bad as if I had looked up porn. I did get to the root of how I was triggered. On both occasions, E and I had been very close and intimate just before, which made the slips all the more crazy-making for E. After our intimate time, she left me feeling excruciatingly lonely when she left my house both nights. I didn't realize it was loneliness until today when E and I were talking. It all goes back to when I was an infant and my mother left me alone on a bed for a very long time, me crying myself hoarse, creating a trauma that I only recently remembered and identified. That abandonment and lonely feeling is very, very hard for me to deal with, and usually I just know I’m in pain and look for something to feel less lonely. Ironically, looking at images doesn't help, it just drives the woman I love further from me.

E’s Blog 3

This past week has been terribly hard. C had two times where he slipped in his recovery. We had put safeguards into place to make it very hard for this to happen, but he needed a new phone and we were told they could block the internet, but this turned out to not be true. We spent at least 3 hours trying to get this done over several days and it is just not something they can actually do. We are trying to find a web blocker that we can use on our own. If anyone has any ideas or ones that they have used, please share!

The slips may seem minor to some, but to me they brought back all of the pain and trauma from when C was in active addiction. For me, any behavior that is a way to lust after another woman is cheating. If C looks at women, clothed or unclothed with the intent of lusting, then he is cheating. It hurts terribly that we even have to put these safeguards into place. That they are necessary at all brings about trauma for me. We ended up having one of the worst fights we have ever had. Our fights are usually discussions that are painful. Both of us have had enough rage and anger from others in our past lives and so we actively work to not allow that into this relationship. The fight this week was so painful because C felt so much shame and pain over his behavior and I felt so much sadness, shame and anger over his behavior that we were hurting each other just being in the same space. Just looking at each other was painful. When C has slips or even when C has triggers I am brought to my knees by pain so deep that it feels like my heart has been ripped out, the intensity of the betrayal feels deadly. This fight was so sad, so terrible in its pain that we were left looking around the home we have built together, the home where we have shaped our dreams together, left just asking, “what is all of this then?”.

I know C loves me, but I want to be loved enough that I am enough for C. For myself, alone, I am enough. I like myself. I think I’m pretty great company and I can have a good time by myself, running errands or doing whatever, but if I am going to invest the time, the energy, the emotion into sharing my life with someone, then I need to be enough for that person. I don’t want a relationship where I am loved, but the other person lusts after other women. It is disrespectful and painful to both of us when this happens.

I believe that C can live a sober life. A life without slips, but I know that I have no control over whether he does this or not. I only can control myself. However, when C has slips it is a reminder that I may have to lose this man. I may have to live without him and that is something I don’t know if I am strong enough to do. It is something that makes planning a future very difficult because I look to our future and I see all the joy and happiness that his life long sobriety would bring to our lives. All the peace of mind. When he slips, it feels like that future is so very threatened. I hate this addiction. I hate that C has it and I hate that it will be something I live with in one form or another for the rest of our lives, but I love C and I know that he is capable of being the man he wants to be. I am grateful to God for continuing to show me C’s many positive qualities and for C’s willingness to be vulnerable and honest with me (even when it is painful and traumatic for both of us).

Recovering from sex and porn addiction

C’s Blog 2

Today I’m going to talk a little bit about respecting partners’ wishes and allowing them to determine their own path of healing and growth. Earlier this week, at a couples’ meeting, E was shocked and dismayed to learn that a couple who have been in recovery a long time, see slips and relapses as inevitable, even though the addict has been sober over two years. I thought this was an unhelpful share, at the very least, but E was really affected by it. The next day, she was feeling overwhelmed and said she wasn't sure she wanted to go to any more support groups, or even therapy. I reacted calmly. True, I was disappointed and saddened that she was thinking of not taking advantage of the resources available, and I thought it would be harder to work through our problems, but I respected her right to make her own decisions. The next day she decided not to stop her recovery activities, and I was glad to hear it, but would have supported her regardless of what resources she did or did not take advantage of.
Just as the addict has his/her own journey to growth and healing, so does the co-addict. E’s recovery is her own, to grow in whatever way she feels best supports her. My role here is to be her cheerleader, her support, and show her love and caring and not to place restrictions or ultimatums. I trust that she will find her own way to healing, and I give my thoughts, but the decisions are hers. I am glad, though, that she continues to get help from these resources.

E’s Blog 2

This past week has been extremely difficult. Maybe it was the full moon, whatever it was, it was rough. As C wrote above, I considered ending recovery. It is sometimes a delicate balance figuring out what is helpful recovery and what is triggering and painful for no good reason. Recovery can be painful and that is okay as long as it leads to sanity and better abilities to deal with life. I am still trying to figure out the balance and this week I could not find it. C has not had any slips or acting out. He had done nothing wrong this week, but I kept feeling as if all the pain of the addiction were happening right now in the moment, not in the past where it should be.

C was supportive of the process I was going through with deciding whether to stay in recovery or not. That was very helpful as I did not feel pressured to make the “right” choice. I realized I was allowing other people’s recoveries to effect mine in a negative way. C and I both believe that it is possible to have the sex addict recover to the point that there are never any slips, never any acting out. I did not need to look at what another couple felt was possible when I could look at C and I. It is our journey and only we can determine its truth.

I am a recovering sex addict

I am a recovering sex addict in love with a wonderful, loving, understanding woman. When E first suggested we do this blog, that sharing our hope and experience may help others in a similar situation, I was a bit hesitant. I have had periods of success in recovery from this addiction, three times where I stayed sober from all destructive behaviors for over a year, but when E and I first got back together (we had dated years ago), I was in a really bad spot. I had slipped back to old, destructive behaviors, was regularly using pornography, had been going to strip clubs, living in sexual fantasy, all the out of control behaviors of my addiction in the past. My living conditions were abysmal, my financial life a complete mess. Somehow, even with my life in complete tatters, E saw something in me, saw something in us. I knew I loved her, but was unsure I could be the man she needed me to be. She gave me the courage to do my best to be a man she could trust and love, and I set forth a goal, to live up to that image she had of me as a good, decent, sober man.

I would like to say the transformation was overnight and complete, but it was not. I moved to her state to be with her, began going to local SA meetings, seeing a therapist who specialized in sex addiction issues and recommitting myself to recovery. Over the next few months I had some slips, some relapses where I looked at pornography, but was honest with her and my sponsor and support people after each incident. Over a month ago was the last time, and I felt so miserable, like such a failure, I didn’t want to live anymore, and that is when something fundamental seemed to change. I loved E too much to hurt her anymore this way, because acting out triggers all sorts of feelings of low self-worth in her, brings on the negative tapes that tell her she is not enough, is not worthy, words from the Devil, I think of them, because they are so destructive.   But knowing that my actions trigger this self-destruction in her was more than I could bear. For my own sake, and for hers, acting out could no longer be an option. I had to vigorously use the tools of the program: meetings, reaching out to other addicts via the phone, turn over any lingering lust to God, trust in God and my own efforts to keep sober, one day at a time.

Today E and I work hard to face the hard questions, to work on our relationship and we gain strength in this through our deep love for one another, that it is underlying all our interactions and is an absolute in our lives.   So E and I invite you to come on this journey with us, and we hope that in sharing what works (and doesn’t work) for us helps you in some way to see that a loving, positive relationship is possible even when a great obstacle like sex addiction is present. That recovery for the addict, the co-addict, and the relationship is attainable with a positive attitude and the support and help of other fellow sufferers and a Higher Power of your understanding.

E’s Introductory Blog

I never expected to be in a relationship with a recovering sex addict. I never expected to love a recovering sex addict. I never expected to find hope and healing through my love of a recovering sex addict. Yet, I have all of these things in my life and as I tackle each new day, I find myself wanting to share our journey. Our journey has been ours and I don’t believe that everything we have done will work for everyone, but my hope is that there may be things you find here that may help you in your journey.

When I first found out that C was a sex addict, I googled everything I could to find out what we could do. He was already attending SAA and had been for many years. He had experienced many times of success, but was currently living in active addiction. How could I fix this nightmare? How could I expect my life to be if I stayed with him? I found a lot of anger, a lot of bitterness and a lot of things telling me that it was hopeless, that if I was smart I would end my relationship and save myself from the sure path to unending misery that being with a sex addict brings. I attended a couple of S-Anon meetings at the encouragement of C. These meetings only seemed to reinforce the information I had found when googling.

There was only one problem with ending my relationship. I loved C and was not prepared to end our relationship without a fight. A fight for us, a fight for me, but also a fight for him. He is many other things besides being a recovering sex addict and if we could find a way to heal the part of him that was a sex addict, I believed we could remain together and have our love flourish. What I did not expect when trying to fix C, was that I would find healing for myself. It is slow going healing, but it is there and as C heals his own things, we become closer and the trust is rebuilt. As we put safeguards in place, as we put up boundaries and as we share our triggers in the moment, honestly and openly, we are able to keep honesty and integrity at the forefront. Also, as I attend healthy S-Anon meetings, I have found myself open my heart to others who are trying to survive this journey. I am grateful I gave S-Anon another chance and found meetings where there was hope and healing.

I hope that through this blog, C and I will be able to share the hard things we experience, the successes we experience and the hope that does exist when living a life with a recovering sex addict. I hope that this blog will provide some resources for those of you seeking help with this addiction and that you will feel safe to share your own experiences in the comment section. We only ask that in the comment section we keep it clean. No swearing, no explicit sexual terms or descriptions. This is not a blog to trigger the addict or their partners. Your pain is real and although this blog is going to focus on the hope and healing that come through recovery from this addiction, there is a place for the pain and for the hard things too. Through the honest sharing of the pain and the healing that is possible, we can all help one another.

We plan on writing about our journey in a weekly blog posting and hope that you will join us.