though week

C’s Blog 8

Very tough weekend, this last one. E has expressed that she wants me to help her heal by answering questions, and series of questions, honestly. I believe we have grown closer in recent days, but still many times find myself in an emotional drift, not knowing what to do from one day to the next. I will answer her questions, and try my best to be open and supportive of her as possible.

E and I just keep taking on more and more stress, it seems. Today we got the equipment for the internet and cable TV at my house, and E got overwhelmed. It seems she’s been stuffing her feelings around seeing women out in public again and the thought of me with cable and internet in the house was too much. I’m working at being more aware in public whether I’m being triggered or not, and how to deal with E when I am. She has the hardest time accepting that part of the addiction, that she feels I am staring at other women. Sometimes I am, though I am getting a lot better in that department. My best option is to work my program every day and to get closer to God in prayer and in being of service to others. And sharing more of my feelings with E sooner.

E’s Blog 8

I want to write a blog that is hopeful and uplifting, but I feel I have to be real too. A relationship with a sex addict is not easy. It is taxing emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and I’m sure in other areas I am too exhausted to think of at the moment. I love C and I want to be with C. This simple truth is all that I can hold onto right now. I know that C has many wonderful qualities. Many amazing attributes that drew me to him in the first place. Before I knew he was a sex addict, I was drawn to him. After finding out he was a sex addict, I didn’t allow myself to fully feel the ramifications of that, because I wanted to be with him. I wanted to focus on all of those amazing and wonderful things that made me want to be with him. That’s the tricky part about suppressing something or going into denial. It is still there. Watching and waiting for when you gain a little strength and then it demands to be heard.

This is where I find myself right now. The suppressed pain, the denial of how much pain the addiction had caused me is now demanding I deal with it. I am in recovery for being a partner of a sex addict. I am in couples therapy. I am in a women’s group where we focus on learning about shame. I am getting stronger and learning how to have a voice. How to ask for what I need. This has proved somewhat problematic for C. He now has to face some of the pain he caused me. He now has to make some choices of his own. Does he face his own stuff in order to give me what I need or does he tell me he can’t give me what I need and put the choice back in my control. I am past the point of being able to suppress my pain. It is here and it is not going anywhere until it has been heard and until it feels that it is understood, loved and now in a safe place. Can C understand that if I ask a question and he answers it, there may be more questions to follow? Can C understand that any resistance to answering questions or follow-up questions makes me feel unsafe? Each day that passes by without me fully being able to connect with C about my pain feels like I am being re-traumatized. He will either understand that he is going to have to meet me there and help guide me out of that darkness or he won’t and I will guide myself out. How we are as a couple after that is largely going to be affected by how much I can believe and see that C can be there for me, even when he is the cause of my pain.

I don’t know if C will be able to give me what I need. I found out some things about the SA and SAA programs this week that made me as the co-addict feel very distrustful of them. I can’t seem to understand how a program can ask for the addicts to be rigorously honest, but then also be okay with them not sharing everything about their addiction with their partner or spouse. I don’t understand how they can have the addict give a full disclosure to their partner and then after that say not to disclose unless it is something major. The whole thing makes me feel unsafe and like the programs are in some way enabling the addict to continue to mess up. I will need to further explore my feelings about this, hopefully with C giving me the insider knowledge. So I am where I always seem to be. In love with C and wanting to be healthy. Can these things co-exist?

denial this week.

C’s Blog 7

I faced a huge chunk of my own denial this week in that E let me know of some twisted poetry I shared with her last summer. Last summer, when we first got back in touch, I was still very much in active addiction and for some reason I can’t understand today I shared with her some sexual poetry I had written about other women in my life and hurt her very deeply. I suppose at the time I was trying to show her my worst self, thinking she would reject me as all the other women had. For some reason neither of us understand today, she stayed. She was so in love with me that even such sick poetry didn
t turn her away. The thing is, shortly after I shared this writing with her I forgot all about it. The shroud of denial dropped and today, six months later, I understand a lot better E’s insecurities about women in my past.

I love E so very much, and to know that I hurt her in this way is almost more than I can bear. I will have a lot of work ahead of me, years of work, I think, to help her to heal from what I have thoughtlessly done in my addiction. And part of that was this Saturday we went to a gathering with some other recovering couples in the area to see Doug Weiss’s video “Helping Her Heal” and even though we had both watched it before, it was all the more powerful the second time through, as so much that didn't register the first time did now. The key to this video is that Dr. Weiss doesn't let the addict off the hook; he pins the addict to the wall and lets him (or her) know exactly what kind of damage active sex addiction does. I am very grateful to God for the twelve steps and fellow recovering couples and Dr. Weiss for his courageous work. Mostly I am grateful to have E in my life.

E’s Blog 7

This week C and I decided we would write about growth. We have had a lot of opportunity for growth over the last year, but it seems very concentrated in the last four weeks. Ever since C had his heart episode that led to the ER and then Cardiac ICU, life has been very up and down for both of us. I am not sure I am even really aware of how hard the last four weeks have been. I seem to think I am okay and then find myself overwhelmed by something that ordinarily would not be. So much of our progress with the sex addiction was halted while we worked to get C the procedures he needed for his health. I would stifle a lot of my feelings and emotions so that I would not upset him. Of course, they came out in other ways and C knew often that I was upset, even when I was trying very hard to not let it show. We did recovery work over the last month, but much of what I have done I have not shared with C. It never seemed like the right time. My hope is that I will be able to share with C now.

I am unsure today how I feel about our growth. I can see where we have grown. We communicate in much clearer terms and the hard things are slowly being brought out into the open. Much of C’s and I’s early relationship had C in active addiction. Many things that went on between us then, C has a hard time remembering. He also has a hard time with the things that he did to me during that time. I did not want to bring them up because I feared triggering C or having my feelings dismissed or minimized. I have found though that whether I bring them up or not, they are there. We will have to deal with them or they will just get bigger. The pain of suppressing my emotions around these things is proving to be more than I am capable of bearing. I have a lot of shame around the fact that I allowed myself to remain in a situation where I was not being treated the way that I should have been. I kept telling myself that C was not himself and that it would be different someday. It is different and that someday did happen, but the pain has not diminished. I am triggered more than ever, it seems. Saddened and overwhelmed by society and its never-ending support of the dark side of the human condition. Its irrepressible need to normalize that which is not normal.

His heart ablation went very well. He was taken care of by a very gifted doctor and by an attentive nursing staff. The dreaded days in the hospital turned out to be much more pleasant than anticipated. I was treated with kindness and allowed to stay with C much of the time. Since returning home he has been doing well. I am excited for our lives to return to “normal” and for us to be able to focus on building our life together and on the other hopes and dreams we have. I am grateful that C was able to have the procedure he needed, that he found the courage to face his health and I am grateful for this second chance for him to take control of his health. Despite all the hard stuff that comes with sex addiction, I am in love with C and want us both to heal.