denial this week.
C’s Blog 7
I faced a huge chunk of my own denial this week in that E let me know of some twisted poetry I shared with her last summer. Last summer, when we first got back in touch, I was still very much in active addiction and for some reason I can’t understand today I shared with her some sexual poetry I had written about other women in my life and hurt her very deeply. I suppose at the time I was trying to show her my worst self, thinking she would reject me as all the other women had. For some reason neither of us understand today, she stayed. She was so in love with me that even such sick poetry didn
t turn her away. The thing is, shortly after I shared this writing with her I forgot all about it. The shroud of denial dropped and today, six months later, I understand a lot better E’s insecurities about women in my past.
I love E so very much, and to know that I hurt her in this way is almost more than I can bear. I will have a lot of work ahead of me, years of work, I think, to help her to heal from what I have thoughtlessly done in my addiction. And part of that was this Saturday we went to a gathering with some other recovering couples in the area to see Doug Weiss’s video “Helping Her Heal” and even though we had both watched it before, it was all the more powerful the second time through, as so much that didn't register the first time did now. The key to this video is that Dr. Weiss doesn't let the addict off the hook; he pins the addict to the wall and lets him (or her) know exactly what kind of damage active sex addiction does. I am very grateful to God for the twelve steps and fellow recovering couples and Dr. Weiss for his courageous work. Mostly I am grateful to have E in my life.
E’s Blog 7
This week C and I decided we would write about growth. We have had a lot of opportunity for growth over the last year, but it seems very concentrated in the last four weeks. Ever since C had his heart episode that led to the ER and then Cardiac ICU, life has been very up and down for both of us. I am not sure I am even really aware of how hard the last four weeks have been. I seem to think I am okay and then find myself overwhelmed by something that ordinarily would not be. So much of our progress with the sex addiction was halted while we worked to get C the procedures he needed for his health. I would stifle a lot of my feelings and emotions so that I would not upset him. Of course, they came out in other ways and C knew often that I was upset, even when I was trying very hard to not let it show. We did recovery work over the last month, but much of what I have done I have not shared with C. It never seemed like the right time. My hope is that I will be able to share with C now.
I am unsure today how I feel about our growth. I can see where we have grown. We communicate in much clearer terms and the hard things are slowly being brought out into the open. Much of C’s and I’s early relationship had C in active addiction. Many things that went on between us then, C has a hard time remembering. He also has a hard time with the things that he did to me during that time. I did not want to bring them up because I feared triggering C or having my feelings dismissed or minimized. I have found though that whether I bring them up or not, they are there. We will have to deal with them or they will just get bigger. The pain of suppressing my emotions around these things is proving to be more than I am capable of bearing. I have a lot of shame around the fact that I allowed myself to remain in a situation where I was not being treated the way that I should have been. I kept telling myself that C was not himself and that it would be different someday. It is different and that someday did happen, but the pain has not diminished. I am triggered more than ever, it seems. Saddened and overwhelmed by society and its never-ending support of the dark side of the human condition. Its irrepressible need to normalize that which is not normal.
His heart ablation went very well. He was taken care of by a very gifted doctor and by an attentive nursing staff. The dreaded days in the hospital turned out to be much more pleasant than anticipated. I was treated with kindness and allowed to stay with C much of the time. Since returning home he has been doing well. I am excited for our lives to return to “normal” and for us to be able to focus on building our life together and on the other hopes and dreams we have. I am grateful that C was able to have the procedure he needed, that he found the courage to face his health and I am grateful for this second chance for him to take control of his health. Despite all the hard stuff that comes with sex addiction, I am in love with C and want us both to heal.