C’s Blog 8
Very tough weekend, this last one. E has expressed that she wants me to help her heal by answering questions, and series of questions, honestly. I believe we have grown closer in recent days, but still many times find myself in an emotional drift, not knowing what to do from one day to the next. I will answer her questions, and try my best to be open and supportive of her as possible.
E and I just keep taking on more and more stress, it seems. Today we got the equipment for the internet and cable TV at my house, and E got overwhelmed. It seems she’s been stuffing her feelings around seeing women out in public again and the thought of me with cable and internet in the house was too much. I’m working at being more aware in public whether I’m being triggered or not, and how to deal with E when I am. She has the hardest time accepting that part of the addiction, that she feels I am staring at other women. Sometimes I am, though I am getting a lot better in that department. My best option is to work my program every day and to get closer to God in prayer and in being of service to others. And sharing more of my feelings with E sooner.
E’s Blog 8
I want to write a blog that is hopeful and uplifting, but I feel I have to be real too. A relationship with a sex addict is not easy. It is taxing emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and I’m sure in other areas I am too exhausted to think of at the moment. I love C and I want to be with C. This simple truth is all that I can hold onto right now. I know that C has many wonderful qualities. Many amazing attributes that drew me to him in the first place. Before I knew he was a sex addict, I was drawn to him. After finding out he was a sex addict, I didn’t allow myself to fully feel the ramifications of that, because I wanted to be with him. I wanted to focus on all of those amazing and wonderful things that made me want to be with him. That’s the tricky part about suppressing something or going into denial. It is still there. Watching and waiting for when you gain a little strength and then it demands to be heard.
This is where I find myself right now. The suppressed pain, the denial of how much pain the addiction had caused me is now demanding I deal with it. I am in recovery for being a partner of a sex addict. I am in couples therapy. I am in a women’s group where we focus on learning about shame. I am getting stronger and learning how to have a voice. How to ask for what I need. This has proved somewhat problematic for C. He now has to face some of the pain he caused me. He now has to make some choices of his own. Does he face his own stuff in order to give me what I need or does he tell me he can’t give me what I need and put the choice back in my control. I am past the point of being able to suppress my pain. It is here and it is not going anywhere until it has been heard and until it feels that it is understood, loved and now in a safe place. Can C understand that if I ask a question and he answers it, there may be more questions to follow? Can C understand that any resistance to answering questions or follow-up questions makes me feel unsafe? Each day that passes by without me fully being able to connect with C about my pain feels like I am being re-traumatized. He will either understand that he is going to have to meet me there and help guide me out of that darkness or he won’t and I will guide myself out. How we are as a couple after that is largely going to be affected by how much I can believe and see that C can be there for me, even when he is the cause of my pain.
I don’t know if C will be able to give me what I need. I found out some things about the SA and SAA programs this week that made me as the co-addict feel very distrustful of them. I can’t seem to understand how a program can ask for the addicts to be rigorously honest, but then also be okay with them not sharing everything about their addiction with their partner or spouse. I don’t understand how they can have the addict give a full disclosure to their partner and then after that say not to disclose unless it is something major. The whole thing makes me feel unsafe and like the programs are in some way enabling the addict to continue to mess up. I will need to further explore my feelings about this, hopefully with C giving me the insider knowledge. So I am where I always seem to be. In love with C and wanting to be healthy. Can these things co-exist?
